I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
