whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
