Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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