twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
