I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
