woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
