I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
