your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
