i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
