I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
