My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
