The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
