sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize