in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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