So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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