i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
