Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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