I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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