Whatcha textin bout Willis?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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