I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you inspire me to be a worse person
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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