I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize