Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
