My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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