I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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