Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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