Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It was confusing and full of hummus
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
