I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
