last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
