Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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