im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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