If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
