Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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