i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
