I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
