My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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