theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
