Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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