I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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