I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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