what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
