So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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