Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
