she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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