Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
