i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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