Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
