I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
