You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
