You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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