ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
