Someone shit on the floor
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
