If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
