i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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