Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
