I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
