you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
All I want is dick and wine.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize