i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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