the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
