I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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