Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
