just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
She said her name was "party"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Randomize