He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
