my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
